Writing Practice: Visiting with Mom

My mother’s house is by the railroad tracks and every night the rumble and horn of the train would jerk me awake. The conductor would just lay on that horn as if he was recovering from a PTSD experience. As if he’s saying, “I know you better not be out there this time!” and just incase, he does it again!

My mom doesn’t even hear it anymore. This astounds me even though I know it happens. We get used to things. Even things blaring and loud and staring us in the face. Like friendship. Like love. Like meanness and conditioning. The list is endless. 

congratulations, you’re a man

ah some men…

they will sit down 

and discuss 

and tear down sacred 

things in a woman’s heart 

to preserve their pride

that’s it.

i am no one’s problem. 

i am in the care 

of my Father. 

Period. 

-aq

ease

We will lay our heads 

upon pillows of peace

and the restless heart full 

of grief  

will cease to be 

for we will live  

in complete ease

sideshow

how they must have laughed

when they saw her 

emptying herself 

out of kindness within 

the chaos of a show  

maybe they clapped 

thinking the performance was 

top notch and that maybe she 

would take her bow early 

how embarrassing

i never meant to

be the burden 

and yet 

i was, wasn’t i?

what matters

what is wrong?

take the slowest of breathes 

and only get through today 

you belong 

to every moment you give

of yourself for good 

don’t let anyone 

convince you of why 

you do what you do

or exactly who you are 

🎼Now Playing: have mercy ♬

woman 

have mercy 

your words have a kind of touch 

my mind is reeling

my heart is feeling 

and you just sighed 

looking directly into my eyes 

please, don’t cry 

(chorus)

asked me for attention  

well, i’ll give it to ya 

call me when you’re worried 

i’ll listen to ya 

mixed up

it’s scary isn’t it? 

to tread the unknown 

and to pray it ends well 

to believe in a person,

realize you have no control,

and only that they mean well 

lonely heart

Lonely heart,

I ask of you 

to give it 

one more try,

I know the passing of trials  

can seem endless  

But they do all end

in good time

lost

where is it?

I keep looking for it 

but i’m unable to find it. 

It was here in my pocket 

once

I thought…

I’ve looked high and low 

inside and out 

I’ve tossed imagination 

with fact 

and chose not to react 

with anything but the truth 

Refuge

It was a refuge 

Secured and built 

For the likes of me 

It’s walls were strong

The landing was soft 

And the space was comforting 

you

you were sad most of the time  
because you felt most alone 
when life required so much strength,
you didn’t always know if you had it in you 
to meet the needs and expectations 
of everything 

gifts

how do you thank a person 

that may have saved your life?

there is never enough to say 

it will never suffice 

sisters

oh sweetness 

there they are!

the sisters of my life 

the friends of my heart!

stinger

it is the quick sting
of a scorpion 
and the poison seeped through 

on such a high 

felt like a lie

now this is what they always do 

life

ask me what it feels like 

and i’ll tell you i don’t know 

it takes a certain somewhere 

that i just didn’t get to go 

and this is why you never judge

what you can’t perceive 

for myself, i would have laughed 

in utter disbelief 

little to say

everything to say 

with nothing to say 

i’ll just close my eyes 

and wish myself away 

something to say 

but i guess it could wait 

i’ll just pack my bags 

and go away 

sweet cloudy days

it is a dark and cloudy mood  

perfect for staying in

but first let’s go grab some mini donuts 

and something warm to drink 

bring it home to our little fire 

play a puzzle

watch a movie 

sing a little 

karaoke 

that would be alright with me 

oh that sounds good to me 

the fight for joy

worked so hard

lifted me up

invested and prayed

filled my cup

overflowing with happy

and generous love

what are we building?

he closes a window

i close the door 

he lays a brick 

i’ve already laid more 

the city

escaping out to walk between buildings

and a section of grass and trees

counting my steps with my headphones in

there is no one to greet

hundreds of faces pass me by

and my world is still my own

a strange way, a strange day

and nothing I've ever known

first snow

inches of snow blanket the ground

roots lie buried with all their hidden needs

softly covered are all the leaves

they have lived, and fallen, and now they sleep

and the trees?

oh, the trees...

stripped bare and exposed

like a poet's honest prose

giving no excuses

as their branches bleed

The art of ignoring

he's mastered the art of ignoring

and you are still learning

how to cope without

take a deep breath.

in with what holds you

(the good, the birds, the sunshine)

out with what lets you go

(averted gazes and all the silence)

trying to find, change, or grasp

is only taking a toll

so, even if they are right there

and choose to act unaware

you. are. still. whole.

My love, you are still whole.

sensitive

One thing is for sure

No matter where I go

The ground I walk

Or the spaces I know

I will always notice the details

even in seemingly simple things,

I will always look up

at the clouds and how they flow,

At my God 

and how I grow

The world around me

fast and slow, and in between

Writing Practice 7: "Before You Go"

Before you go, 

let me come close

to embrace your life. 

Let me give you kisses of parting- 

 One for your hands consistently open

and working for others

 One for your cheek where the dimple lies

with your good cheer.

Mining 𖢻✧˖°.

Standing upon the ground

uneven and barren

The wind is dry

and my throat is parched

My hair whips around my face

stinging and sharp

The reminders of days past

leaving their mark

Filters

We act with kindness

it's our

automatic instinct

You won't know how we are thinking

because nice is the downshift

something like it

your eyes 

that time when they looked at me 

with something less simple 

your lips 

when you bit them listening to

the words i didn’t have to say 

stars at night 💫 ✨

i have become so small in their eyes

i could be the golden sunrise

and they would only turn away

and mistake me for dark and gloom;

and i walk every day

wanting no longer to have to prove

that i am a friend worth keeping

close to you

care

care 

don’t lose yourself 

trying not to mean something 

because you mean something

you are special 

you matter 

bittersweet

i look at you

my lips full of bitter fruit 

but your eyes do not want to know 

they say “spare me”

so i do 

25 hugs 4U

25 hugs

in case you forgot

just what being loved

feels like

25 hugs

25 hugs

incase i forgot

just what being loved

feels like

think about it

strip away the people 

and what they ask you to be 

the ideas they have of who you are  

and what they think you need 

Hezekiah

I cannot do a thing

relying on my own might

It is only with your strength

that I fight

Little Girl Adventures 4

chapter 4

they'd traveled far and wide

adventures were many now

they stopped at times 

when they were having so much fun

that they cared not that the time past or how

some places were really funny

and people wore silly clothes

and other places had the most fascinating creatures

that they had ever known

and still others made such delicious food

and they just had to follow their nose!

she learned so many new jokes

and how to laugh heartedly again

she wondered at the spectacular animals

they felt a lot like friends

and she and Bearbear cooked and baked

and cooked and baked,

because of savoring flavors there was no end

every moment became a gift

and make no mistake

it was a time for living 

simply for living's sake!

- Les'Nspired

backspacing

there are days I want to disappear

just so that others are at ease

plan my life around being out of their line of sight

to keep their inner peace

lord knows not everyone needs to love me

nor care to let me be

but how I wish I did no one any bother

just by existing

the call

At times I listen for a tender call 

It whispers in my ear

and a string tugs within my heart

and reminds me what is true.

so much

I have so much to say 

but I say it in whispers 

And who would ever 

come close enough to hear it?

les’nspired 

Written: January 26, 2021

⋟frayed

I once knew a boy whose heart belonged to a girl

before he knew what to say.

They bonded and relied on one another, building in 

strength every day.

sweetness 🍑

you know where the lights 

grow dusk 

and the shadows mark

the landscape 

when the blue hour sets 

and the evening is met 

with the nighttime humming

interlude 

holes

how can we be good friends 

when they lie at every turn? 

well-intentioned sure 

but you can’t believe a word 

focused

meet a wall 

bow to its height 

scale it only 

with God’s might 

exist amongst 

humbling means 

exalted for giving

all of me

comfort

i will go and sit upon your lap 

listen to your heart

ask you to hold me,

the comfort of this world 

is all found in your arms

and how tenderly they love me 

dust and hope

this body does its own thing

and i am simply trying to keep up 

treat it well

stop and listen 

and still 

still 

it surprises me 

lead it like a slave most days 

and it takes everything 

vertigo

put a blindfold on them

turn them in circles

let them go

the train rushes past

all your friends caught it

you stand on the platform

silly girl

silly girl

it was only for a bit

but it didn't matter

you felt it

and that's okay

life sometimes does this

but it doesn't mean

you are not worth it

hello again ♫

Welcome

Do come in

Let's speak of the obvious

and of the not quite so

Tell me 

How are things?

What has changed 

since we last spoke?

winter's winds

little one

you sit strong in wintertime

the winds blow

your feathers are ruffled

and still

there you are

full of life

and sweetness

you saw little of goodness

when you were chased

and then abandoned

your wings a little damaged

but look at you now!

healing

and observing

the sun through the clouds

even the breeze

feels like applause

and it is!

so, lift your head towards the sky

and when the time is right

lift your wings

and take flight!

those same strong winds

will only lift you high

and that, dear one

is right where you belong

-les'nspired

good intentions

He kissed her hand 

beneath the moon 

She tried not to wonder

It was a whimsy mood  

He gave her his coat

The wind blew 

He ignored it when she told him 

probably best not to 

probably for the best

stay sweet and tender 

don’t ever add stubborn and determined 

stay unsure and soft 

keep it in that tried and true hot and cold 

🐝 honey bees 🐝

i worry that every place i ever 

step foot upon, i will leave 

a trail of tears 

a person sure gets tired 

of moving along the same way

throughout the years 

heal

it will

happen fast 

it

will

it

will

and where will

you stand?

so

still

until 

tight

Fumble to catch it

before it goes

It races ahead

and they know

Hang my head

It is so

And for shame it was said

My face aglow

growing

i will stand up perhaps

in a different way 

facing the reality 

of what’s before my face

holding my value 

closer to my chest 

and closing my eyes to them 

letting my own heart rest 

Writing Practice 6: mother ii

she sat within a home of sorts  

for the first time she felt safe

she didn’t know herself yet 

but it was only the beginning 

Writing Practice 5: mother

when mother laughed on the phone 

her voice was shrill and careless 

and rubbed my insides 

like grated cheese 

Queen

Queen,

you already have everything 
you need 
to do the hard things 
and love yourself 
enough 

to be seen 

as it turns out

she just wanted warmth 
bacon and pancakes on sunday mornings 
chuckling at shared jokes 
the sun coming through the windows

she just wanted simplicity 
the normal days passing 
of a life lived happily 
the giving and the yielding 
arms steady and satisfying 

swallows

It was simple once

lovely and uncomplicated

Time flowed like swallows in flight

and I just coasted...

duel

I thought I knew. I laugh now for how foolish I had been.

To think the heart is ultimately at its core, the same.

Oh, no, not at all, for some just want to win

and think of only how to out-maneuver blame

distracted

What is the most precious

delicate thing you have ever held?

Think on it a bit.

It will come to you.

everlasting arms

run to your arms 

because that’s the only safe place 

i could ever live 

holding me up 

should i fall hard, the only way

i could ever love 

will i?

Is there anything left?

If there is, what is it?

Was it ever wonderful 

or was that just my eyes?

Did I just see what I wanted to

or did someone also see me?

For the blip of a moment 

was that what it felt like for it to be?

more

im not talking about the normal 

regular 

or commonplace 

Coming home to you

I will keep your words on repeat

listen again as you say them to me

Soothe to the rocking of a gentle beat

of your loving heart reassuring me

You’re loyal and true and best of all 

You really show you want to

And to the crying child inside of us all

this surely endears You

sacred ground

Treat my heart like it is sacred ground

Find that edge that keeps me around

Gentle and evoking with eyes that smile

and a kind expression to coax and beguile

that safe place

I am missing you with all my heart today

Nothing is quite like what you were for me
Is it the nostalgia swaying my view?

Is it not a perfect memory?

I am usually the giver,

but with you I was always receiving. 

relief

It was a blessing 

and He knew how to give it

He'd done it before

for someone He loved

when it brought relief

pause

finding a place 

beneath a tree 

to sit and think 

and breathe 

Writing Practice 4: the tilt

i look at you with soft eyes 

and you know what i mean 

because you’ve seen them 

kinship

All I wanted them to do or say

was something familiar

something I recognized

as if it was coming from my own heart,

my own thoughts,

and sentiments

sunshine and blue skies

i am not always sunshine and blue skies
are you?
if looking at me is like looking in a mirror 
does it scare you?

time proves

making himself look good 

saying to others all the right things 

so it looks like she’s the one 

causing all the pain 

maybe a little insane 

relatives

blink at the sunshine 

in my eyes 

streaming through the window 

to my bed 

my covers are warm 

i let out a yawn

and stretch my arms 

wide overhead 

how far

how far can i 

fold within

within

within

myself

until i am a flat folded piece of paper?

parallel

I will not embarrass you 
with words about love
Instead I will simply say:
I am so happy you exist 

in the world that I do 

not as simple

She works with what she learns

She tries not to be a fool

She knows you are in control

Of everything you do

She doesn't always say 

Exactly what she means

Life has taught her she has to act

A way that is acceptable and pristine

running

i’m running,

maybe one day i’ll get there 

but i have to say 

i’m glad i’m here 

look behind me

every once in a while 

to remind myself 

how far i’ve come