in her head

*knock *knock *knock
there is no one here
just a stillness
the absolution of
time forgotten
words forgotten
memories never shared

an imagination run wild

all in her head
it was all in her head
and anything anyone
ever said
was all in her head

I think

I think I'd like to be remembered that I was all love. 
That I was kindness and goodness and yes, maybe even mercy and forgiveness, too. 

And when you think of me, you know you were loved profoundly,

but for the life of me, I just could not have it in return. 

Ah, not by you. No, there is no blame there.

You did all you could to show care. Everyone has their own fight. Battle to be won.

 

It is simply, it was not for me to have. 

I was to tread on this earth, quite alone.

No one asked me, though. 

If I was okay with this.

I was not. 

But, try as I might, I could not change it.

The more I fought it, the more people buried themselves in my soul,

and then let me go.

And I felt it more profusely, intensely, acutely, each time;

That feeling of solitude.
It made everything in life too hard.

Each sacrifice felt like a mountain to climb,

and I was tired.

It was too much.

It is too much for anyone.

No, for me. All evidence points to me.

And it embarrasses me to admit my fragility,

but shame doesn't make it go away.

Being quiet and making others proud or happy,

did not make it go away.

It always sat there under my surface.

My ineptitude, my trembling uncertainty and fear

of coming to grips with the reality

that no one really cared. That I am dust.

That I could disappear, 

the world would keep spinning,

life would keep running,

people would keep loving,

and I would become the wind,

a memory

of someone who loved hard,

who dived deep,

who had a good kind heart,

and that was a sweet thing...

that might bring a sweet feeling.

that might feel like relief, maybe... I think.

-aq/lesnspired

Little Girl Adventures 3

chapter 3

they found a nice little creek to cross 

where the water twisted and turned 

Bearbear saw some fish in this creek

and their bellies grumbled and churned  

so she watched nearby on a rock 

where she cheered him on

he caught one little fish in his mouth 

and then he overturned 

Little Girl Adventures 2

chapter 2 

they found a place to rest 
deep in a cave on the mountainside 
his fur keeping them both warm 
and her stories to make them laugh 

they cared not about the hour
delighted in the full moon that night 
they danced by the light of a fire 
and not once did she want to cry 

Little Girl Adventures 1

chapter 1

she held on to Bearbear 

yes it’s time to move 

adjusted her cap

righted her mustache, and thought,

“I’ll need more tape soon.”

Rain & Sunshine

if you take a look outside 

where the rain is comin’ heavy 

that there is my soul 

it’s damn gray really 

Goodness & Might

let this anger sit with me
for just a bit more
and then let my love swallow it up
with things that I adore

my heart my heart
in gentle rhythm it beats
to the waves of the sea
to cicadas on trees
and to the morning chickadee

Almost Fall

almost fall
wind in the trees
i hear you coming

the chill of the breeze

on the last warmth of summer
i sit waiting for you
just enjoying the view
closing my eyes
bending my head to feel you

What makes him say her?

you say you will always love me
that i can trust in that
please take a moment
what makes that a fact?

with everything so relative
so many variables on earth
what makes a man look at you
and say above all, it's her?

Blindsided

I asked what i did to deserve 

this man loving me 

but i didn’t ask if it would be worth it 

the day that he would leave 

i thought i knew us both 

even thought i might foresee

the best will come if i think of others

and let go of all the good it did to me 

but nothing prepared me for the emptiness 

and my deep infernal greed 

i was most human most volatile 

when you were at my feet 

when you allowed yourself to be tamed

with the utmost humility 

winning my heart in the most subtle of ways 

and then giving it back to me 

-Les’Nspired

It's something like

It's like existing. 
Its like knowing.
It's like a key was turned,
and my heart started glowing.

-aq/lesnspired

Seeing clearly

ah, i see, i got it now;

it's what i saw some time ago
i just wish you would have been up front about
how soon you let it all go.

it would have helped
to match where you were
to stop kidding myself
and then believe what you let me know.

i only fault you this:
your omission and your fear,
to not speak up and let an old friend see
that you were no longer here.

...

free only

in my mind

next to nothing

instinctively

succinct to loving

here at the 

end of what I call,

disappearing

-aq/lesnspired

Significant

I think mostly my pride

makes me want to hide,

so that no one can see

I stand alone with this tree,

to admit openly

no one watches for me.

Is it always so bad

to not be wanted by man?

Can I find satisfaction within

from simply being able to live?

Back and Forth

Oh unreasonable soul,

let it go, let it go...

Oh senseless heart

rip it apart, rip your world apart.

maybe, 

just maybe,

You will grow,

and maybe,

just maybe,

you won't die like you think you will.

-aq/lesnspired

Always Late

Oh my, it's rough,

but that is my love.

You're so proud of yourself?

You think it's you, that's why?

You're so stupid special

because you made a girl cry?

No, it is not all that

The way it all is.

It is so much me and my love,

That has me like this.

the reason for tears

the reason for tears
is because people today
do not say what they mean
and do not mean what they say;
and I am not created
to navigate this way

D vs. O

You are my half-moon,

            and I am

                            

                        your fool.

-lesnspired/aq

I seek strength

take

take

take me all apart.

i don't

know how

to live.

where do I even start?

when my heart

is there

and my head

everywhere

and my feet

and my hands

are reaching for somewhere

other than here

Not My Way

You need not fear

I will force anything

That is not my way

Not my way

And if for a moment

you wondered

what she is capable of;

Ah, that is only 

because there is always

intensity in my love.

But it rises

like fireworks,

a volcano to the air,

A rocket to the sky,

a bright red flare,

Then it sizzles down

until only I can hear;

And there is no danger

that it will cause any damage there.

I am harmless, you see

I do not move too free,

the hurricane is within

and it is rare for it to let you in.

If you have known it once

To have demanded and such

It was because it trusted then,

and it is closed tight again.

So you need not worry

I do not demand

nor chase

nor force

nor expect;

I only try to find a place

for the love in my hands

wait for my course

and I let, I let, I let

this is my way

even if I wish I was a little more brave.

I close my eyes, I sigh, and I let.

-aq/lesnspired

Querido

Querido mio
todo bien

el mismo cielo

y sol

Querido mio

todo bien

el susurro de los arboles

y el viento 

My Darling

My darling

It is good

The same sky

and sun

My darling

All is well

The rustling trees

the wind

Pedestal

You put me so high 
on a pedestal 
Said I was reigning  
And convinced me so 
I stalled, then believed 
these words would hold

Then, you knocked me down 
In one quick blow 
Oh how was I to know?
how was I to know?
The love you gave
Would be conditional.

Hope

Jehovah, how you bless me.
Proving always to be my friend!
You never leave me,
but listen for what I need.

You always hold my hand.

Thank you for being consistent
Constant, reliable, and true. 
For giving me something 
I can still hold on to.

the end

there are things
i've held
within the realm
of all my heart can hold;
and in it's 
innocence
i've loved more fiercely
than i've ever known,

but,

i was alone.

the things i adored
the tender ways they held me
& caressed the joys unfolding;
could not do the same
for all the ways
the storms, too, came rolling

and,

i went imploding.

resignation ruled as king
nothing was as it seemed
there was, after all, no queen;
and the kingdom's lights
went out at night,
and were never turned on again

because,

there was an end.

-aq/lesnspired

The Extra

Ah, don't mind me

I be but only here

Trying to catch the light

Simply because I'm near

The love he brings forth

How his eyes adore her!

She responds just how he likes

I, too, am rooting for her!

Barren

There is no escape

for a day of relief.

Where I can go to 

just be me, and breath.

Eyes are on me

in every moment

They hold me down

My soul is bent

Who is it, anyway?

What does it even want of today?

And if the world went away

What would it be brave enough to say?

I can't grow

from what I don't know

What is special, if anything?

Am I really this slow?

Can I really not flow?

Can I even really sing?

Look away from me,

There is nothing here.

It is a barren landscape.

A home with no walls

is not a home at all,

and I don't even contain the shape.

My eyes are only windows

that let in the rain

and my heart a broken gate

that can't stop the pain

and my feet can't move

from all the shame

and my soul is just too tired

to want anything anyway.

So whatever they thought they held for me;

I understand when they just give it away.

When they hold up the beauty

and say "Look, it is what I see!"

And I stand there with a resigned smile,

because I know it takes just a little while

for them to take it back from me, and give it away.

It is okay

It is okay, I know.

I am too slow.

I do not flow.

And a home with no walls,

is not a home at all.

-aq/lesnspired

The Difference

There is a difference

when you love a man you marry

who hurts you with his hands,

and spits out demands.

You might make the choice

to leave.

The father you had before,

He told you your worth

and made you strong enough to see:

"I am better than this" 

and reassured,

you might believe.

First Day of Spring

Hello, dear sun!

It's just me, no one.

Hello, dear wind.

It's just me in my skin.

Dear chickadee

You speak to me.

Chirp! chirp! chirp-chirp!

Dee! Dee! Dee!

Ok.

I never said

I was something special

I always said I wasn't anything at all.

It is you who swore

I was everything more

but now I think you regret the fall.

So turn me into whatever

you need, make me awful

in your head;

Just so that you can forgive 

yourself for wanting 

to break free, instead.

Rest Stop

Trying hard at life,

Running to catch up,

Wanting to do everything right,

and not give up. 

When you are done

and need to breathe

just bring yourself

right home to me. 

You Best Believe

I want only LOVE,

None of that negative talk.

If you said yes,

then you just NEED

to get up and w a l k.

Put your hands

over your HEARTBEAT,

Listen, because it is true.

Weeds

It is in my nature 

to feel like a burden.

It exists here, already 

within my soul.

I have to work hard 

to ignore it,

and it needs no help 

for it to grow.

Patterns

I have survived it once.

I will survive it again

and again

and again.

-lesnspired/aq

More Than

and here I am

trying to be

more than 

just an 

emotional response

but a true 

unselfish

soul

filled to the brim

with true love

and gratitude

and a moral compass

made of faith

and obedience

-lesnspired/aq

The Girl with My Spirit

Oh, the girl with my spirit

How she laughs!

She jumps in the snow

and her eyes dance like a child.

She is like me

The way I am

Was

Once

before I caved within

and closed my eyes

and the tears flowed out

and just tried to hang tight

and survive.

Resolution

I just need to keep my head up,

and not give up on it all.

Until my Father gives me

a safe place to fall.

-lesnspired/aq