abuelita
time was not on our side
i was too young to ask
and then quickly you were too old
to remember
when you were just a young girl
what were your dreams?
what were the stories your grandmother told you
about living in a teepee?
when did you decide you would never cut your hair?
and when you left to be married
were you in love with abuelo?
you worked hard most of your life
and took care of your large family
stories are told that you cursed
and smoked
and had to be as tough as the hot son
over harvesting fields
i know you suffered
but we only knew you as mild-tempered and kind
and then suddenly you would laugh
and your smile would light up the room!
did you ever just laugh without a care
in the world?
was life too difficult for that?
who did you love with all your heart?
and was that too frivolous?
you lost children
did you think of them every day?
was one your favorite?
abuelita, when you look at me
do you see what others do?
that i look like you
in your youth?
did you also curse your nose
and hate the mirror?
i held your hand then and i knew
time would get away from us
by the time i was old enough to wonder
at so many things
your mind was being carried off
like on a bird’s wings
you were seeing your sons coming back from the field
you were waiting for your husband coming home any time soon
you were talking of preparing the family dinner
while making our shared bed over
and over
and over, again
and you were talking to yourself in the mirror like a new friend
not even recognizing your own face
or perhaps all this time
you were finally acknowledging who you were
and loving yourself
like you would a loved one
and i did not understand the meaning
until i was older
you were gone
and i was facing myself
my needs
my weaknesses
and i was offering her
compassion of the most tender sort
i was saying “hello”
as if meeting in acceptance who i was
for the first time
i am my abuelita’s nieta
and whatever it may have been called
once by an ancestor’s tribe
i have your face
possibly your gait
and perhaps, i do so hope
within me, that most of all,
i carry your grit
- les’nspired
